Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The Curtain Rods

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of spring water.
When she finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything from cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end, they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods with them!


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Monday, January 16, 2012

About getting old

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.


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Saturday, January 14, 2012

How to take care of your woman

In the world, one single rule applies to the men: Make the
Woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do
something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't
get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's
the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:


SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed (+1)

* You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

* You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)

* In the rain (+8)

* But return with Beer (-5)

* You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

* You pummel it with an iron rod (+10)

* It's her pet (-10)


SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

* You stay by her side during the entire party (0)

* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with
a buddy (-2)

* Named Tina (-4)

* Tina is a dancer (-10)


HER BIRTHDAY

* You take her out to dinner (0)

* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

* Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

* And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your
face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)


A NIGHT OUT

* You take her to a movie (+2)

* You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

* You take her to a movie you hate and she likes (+6)

* You take her to a movie you like (-2)

* It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)

* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)


YOUR PHYSIQUE

* You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

* You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid
of it (+10)

* You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

* You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)


ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

* She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no
matter WHAT.]

* You hesitate in responding (-10)

* You reply, "Where?" (-35)

* Any other response (-20)


COMMUNICATION

* When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned _____expression (0)

* You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

* You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the
TV (+500)

* She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)


[ Author Unknown -- from 'Buffalos Chips'




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Thursday, January 12, 2012

I wish I was a child again

1. Decisions were made by saying "eeny-meeny-miney-mo”.
2. "Race issue," meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
3. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly”.
4. Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
5. It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
6. Being old referred to anyone over 20.
7. It was magic when Dad would "remove" his thumb.
8. It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event.
9. Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
10. Nobody was prettier than Mom.
11. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
12. No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
13. "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
14. Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down would cause giggles.
15. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
16. War was a card game.
17. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
18. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
19. Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.


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Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Men

Men Bashing

1. Why are men such dogs?
I resent that! Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and obedient...

2. Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

3. Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

4. Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

5. Why can't men just say "I love you?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

6. Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?


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