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Friday, December 30, 2011

Scottish lad and lass

Scottish Lad and Lass

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

And he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

The Birth order of children

Your Clothes:
• 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your Gynaecologist confirms your pregnancy.
• 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
• 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
• 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
• 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
• 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette:
• 1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
• 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
• 3rd baby: Boys can wear same dress, can't they?
Worries:
• 1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
• 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when his/her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
• 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Pacifier:
• 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
• 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
• 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering:
• 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
• 2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
• 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Going Out:
• 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
• 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
• 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the baby sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home:
• 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
• 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
• 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins:
• 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
• 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
• 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!
Pass this on to everyone you know who has children... or everyone who
KNOWS someone who has had children... (The older the mother, the funnier this is!)

GRANDCHILDREN: ...God's reward for allowing your children to live.

[ Author Unknown -- from Lorraine, via 'LABLaughs'


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Monday, December 26, 2011

Very Complicated

Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes -- NOT rattlesnakes. Read on....

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife brought them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. A little green grass snake was hibernating in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband, having just finished his shower, ran into the living room in his underwear to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came into the room and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, loaded him on a stretcher, and started carrying him out.

Just then the snake came out from under the sofa. One Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher just as they started down the stairs; this caused the husband to fall down the stairs, breaking his leg, so he ended up in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake, so she called on a neighbor, who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

About then the neighbor's wife, who had just returned from grocery shopping came over, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and badly lacerating his scalp.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him. Seeing his scalp injury, and not having any alcohol, she went to the kitchen, and poured whiskey over a dish towel. Then she returned to pat the bleeding scalp wound on the neighbor man's head, with the whisky soaked dish towel.

The neighbors, hearing all the commotion, had called the police. When the police saw the unconscious man, and smelled the whiskey, they assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all. The first women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called another ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife to hospital.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. It fell over, which caused the lamp to shatter, and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames with a throw rug, but tripped and fell through the window into the yard which startled the family dog, who jumped up and ran out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid hitting the dog and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile the curtain fire had spread to the walls and the entire house was ablaze.

Neighbors now called the fire department. The fire fighters arrived, and while trying to work around some trees got the ladder-truck extension ladder caught on some overhead wires, knocking out electricity and disconnecting telephone service in a ten city block area.

Time passed... both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police got a new patrol car, and all was right with the world....

About a year later the same couple was watching TV. The weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night?

Without saying a word, the wife walked into the bedroom.... and went to sleep.


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Saturday, December 24, 2011

Bob

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, and that it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a try. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"


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Thursday, December 22, 2011

The Unused Credit Card

Financial Services Support Department:
1. In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
2. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00.
3. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.
4. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament.
5. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled.
6. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
7. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
8. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
9. Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.
10. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail.
11. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
12. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her an 'old fashion' typewriter instead.

[ Author Unknown -- received from Chris Long



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Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Elevator Rules

There are un-written rules that everyone who rides elevators follow whether they know it or not. It's not something that anyone has placed into effect by law. . . . It's just the way things are. . . .
1. When you are waiting for an elevator and there are two sets, the one that is the greatest distance from you will open first.
2. While you are riding the elevator, it is not permissible to look anyone in the eyes. The proper place to stare is at the floor or at the numbers.
3. The person at the very back of the elevator will always be the one who needs off first.
4. If you are on the top floor of a 32 story building and needed to go the 1st floor, the elevator will stop 31 times before you reach the ground.
5. If you get off on the wrong floor and realize it the instant your foot hits the ground outside the elevator, it's much too embarrassing to admit you are wrong, so you stay outside the door and act like you know what you're doing then catch the next one and hope all the people you were with have gotten off.
6. When there are six elevator doors, the one you stand in front of will be the last to open.
7. When the elevator is the most full, one of two people will be on with you: an extremely sick man who coughs constantly and then gets off on the same floor you do, or a lady with a baby that screams through the entire ride.
8. Don't pass gas in an elevator even if you are all alone because when you do, the very next stop will have ten people waiting to get on. It's always best to wait until the elevator is full then no one knows whom to blame.
9. If you speak to a stranger in an elevator there will always be nervous laughter.
10. The friendliest person on the elevator that insists on talking to you will always have bad breath and body odor.
11. Elevators force us to be close to people that we would never choose to be around otherwise. If you want a cultural experience, spend a day riding elevators around town.
12. The first person to get on the elevator gets the command position next to the buttons so that they can feel important when people ask them to punch their floor for them.
13. While waiting on an elevator, there will always be one person to comment on how slow the elevator is and then push the up or down button over and over as if that will make it speed up.
14. Once inside the elevator that same person will repeatedly punch the button for their floor thinking that this also will speed up the elevator.
15. On top of the list of the most annoying elevator pet peeves is the parent who will allow their child to push the buttons and then smile at you after the kid has pushed all 26 buttons while you are on the first floor needing to get to the 25th floor. Then at every floor the kid will yell, "Is this where we get off?"
16. The floor that is labeled the 1st floor is not really the 1st floor but is in reality the basement. The 1st floor is actually labeled the 2nd floor.
17. If you are not in any hurry, there will always be an empty elevator just waiting with the doors open just for you by yourself.
18. In buildings where smoking is allowed, there will always be one person who insist on taking the last drag off their cigarette putting it out then waiting to exhale until the elevator door closes with you trapped inside.
19. If a child rides the elevator, they will have a balloon that just happens to be at your face level and there is no place to turn. Popping the balloon is a strong temptation.
20. I would rather ride the elevator with people than take the stairs alone!

[Author Unknown


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Sunday, December 18, 2011

What is in your mail

One day God was looking down at the earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check-it-out.

So, He called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on earth -- 95% is bad and only 5% is good.

God thought for a moment, and said maybe I had better send down a male angel. To get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes the earth was in decline -- 95% is bad and only 5% is good.

God said this is not good. So, God decided He would send a letter to the 5% that were good to encourage them -- a little something to help them keep going on the right path.

Do you know what that letter said?

Oh, you didn't get your letter either?!!!

You better improve then!

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Friday, December 16, 2011

Fathers, then and now

Fathers of 1909 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:
• In 1909, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
• In 1909, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.
• In 1909, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
• In 1909, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
• In 1909, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
• In 1909, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
• In 1909, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
• In 1909, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school”.
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up; it's time for hockey practice”.
• In 1909, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Rupa’s at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
• In 1909, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE...”
• In 1909, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega Game!"

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Wednesday, December 14, 2011

About getting old

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21.
YESSSS!!!

But then
you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!



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Monday, December 12, 2011

Exercise For Seniors

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.
• Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
• With a 5-kg. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
• Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
• After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg. potato sacks.
• Then 50-kg. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-kg. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
• After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks; but be careful.



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Saturday, December 10, 2011

Wealth and Success

A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."
"Is the man of the house home?", they asked. "No", she said. "He's out." "Then we cannot come in", they replied.
In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened. "Go tell them I am home and invite them in!" The woman went out and invited the men in. "We do not go into a House together," they replied. "Why is that?" she wanted to know.
One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."
The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. "How nice!!", he said. "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!"
His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?" Their daughter-in-law was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!"
"Let us heed our daughter-in-law's advice," said the husband to his wife. "Go out and invite Love to be our guest."
The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."
Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?"
The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, Wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!!!!!!"



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Thursday, December 8, 2011

Father Forgets

Listen, son; I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw crumpled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead. I have stolen into your room alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me. Guiltily I came to your bedside.
There are things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel. I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor.
At breakfast I found fault, too. You spilled things. You gulped down your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spread butter too thick on your bread. And as you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, "Goodbye, Daddy!" and I frowned, and said in reply, "Hold your shoulders back!"
Then it began all over again in the late afternoon. As I came up the road, I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles. There were holes in your stockings. I humiliated you before you boyfriends by marching you ahead of me to the house. Stockings were expensive - and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! Imagine that, son, form a father!
Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes? When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption, you hesitated at the door. "What is it you want?" I snapped.
You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your small arms tightened with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither. And then you were gone, pattering up the stairs.
Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding - this was my reward to your for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.
And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character. The little heart of you was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night. Nothing else matters tonight, son. I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!
It is a feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you during your waking hours. But tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: "He is nothing but a boy - a little boy!"
I am afraid I have visualized you as a man. Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother's arms, your head on her shoulder. I have asked too much, too much.



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Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Moral story

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:

Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden because your mother always loved planting time. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren’t in prison.
Love,
Dad



Shortly, the old man received this telegram: ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the garden!! That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’

At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son’s reply was: ‘Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do for you, from here.’

MORAL: NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE IN THE WORLD, IF YOU HAVE DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING DEEP FROM YOUR HEART, YOU CAN DO IT. IT IS THE THOUGHT THAT MATTERS, NOT WHERE YOU ARE OR WHERE THE PERSON IS.



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Sunday, December 4, 2011

A Hug

The Hug!
It's wonderous what a hug can do.
A hug can cheer you when you're blue.
A hug can say, "I love you so,"
Or, "Gee, I hate to see you go."
A hug is, "Welcome back again."
And, "Great to see you! Where've you been?"
A hug can soothe a small childs pain,
and bring a rainbow after rain.
The hug! There's just no doubt about it-
we scarcely could survive without it!
A hug delights and warms and charms.
It must be why God gave us arms.
A hug can break the language barrier,
and make your travels so much merrier.
No need to fret about your store of 'em,
the more you give, the more there's more of 'em.
So stretch those arms without delay
and give someone a hug today!



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Friday, December 2, 2011

This too is for good

An old story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, " This Too is for Good!"

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This Too is for Good!" To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.

As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way. As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And, so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."

"No," his friend replied, "This Too is for Good!"

"What do you mean,'This is good'? How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"

"If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you."


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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Hell and the Heaven

A Holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, ’Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.’
The Lord led the holy man to two doors.
He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in.
In the middle of the room was a large round table.
In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man’s mouth water.
The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly.
They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful.
But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.
The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.
There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man’s mouth water.
The Lord said, ‘You have seen Hell. They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one.
The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.
The holy man said, ‘I don’t understand.
‘It is simple,’ said the Lord. ‘It requires but one skill…
You see, they have learned to feed each other.
The greedy think only of themselves.’


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Monday, November 28, 2011

Three old men

A woman came out of her house and saw three old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She said, “I don’t think I know you but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat.”

“Is your husband home?” they asked.
“No,” she said. “He’s out.
“Then we cannot come in,” they replied.

In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened. “Go tell them I am home and invite them in!”

The woman went out and invited the men in.

“We do not go into a house together,” they replied.

“Why is that?’ she asked

One of the old men explained: “His name is Wealth,” he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to the other, “He is Success, and I am Love.” Then he added, “Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home.”

The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. “How nice,” he said. Then let us invite Wealth Let him come in and fill our home with wealth.

His wife disagreed. “My dear, why don’t we invite Success?”

Their daughter-in-law joined in with her own suggestion: “Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home would then be filled with love!”

Her in-laws agreed. The woman went out and asked the three old men, “Which of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest.” Love got up and started walking towards the house. The other two also got up and followed him.

Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: “I only invited Love; why are you coming in?”

The old men replied together: “If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would have stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!”

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Saturday, November 26, 2011

Pay attention

1st year students of MBBS were attending their 1st anatomy class.
They all gathered around the surgery table with a real dead dog.
The Professor started class by telling two important qualities as a Doctor.
The 1st is that NEVER BE DISGUSTED FOR ANYTHING ABOUT BODY,
e.g. He inserted his finger in dog’s mouth tasted it in his own mouth.
Then he said them to do the same.
The students hesitated for several minutes.
But eventually everyone inserted their fingers in dog’s mouth & then tasted it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said:
The most important 2nd quality is OBSERVATION, I inserted my Middle finger but tasted the Index finger.
Now learn to pay attention.

Moral:
Life is tough but it’s a lot tougher when you are not paying attention





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Thursday, November 24, 2011

Aloo Gobhi

He was a new to our office.

He brought 5 slices of brown bread and Aloo Gobhi to office every day. He would heat it in the microwave and gulp them down with two cups of coffee.
We all shared food amongst each other and found his eccentric behaviour funny. In every other matter he was normal.
He ate alone and didn’t eat with us. Besides who would want to share the kind of meal he brought to office every day. We would have been the losers, not him.
He was 'normal' in every other way.
Office is office and there will be gossip behind people's back. Everyone used to comment at his back. Laugh at him or speak in an unkind way.
This continued for two years. Then he resigned one day.
It was his last day at the office. This time when he opened his tiffin box there were no bread slices. But biryani, kadai paneer and curd. This was completely unlike him.
It was this day or never. If we didn’t ask him the question that was uppermost in our mind we would all die with the mystery unsolved.
'Sir, if you dont mind, can I ask you a question?" We formed a semi-circle around him, with him at the centre.
"Yes?" He was not the least intimidated.
"Why did you just eat those 5 slices of bread and aloo gobhi everyday? For 2 years?"
He laughed. "You took a long time to ask the question. Well, every day we take the same route to office. Every day we sleep at exactly the same time. Every day of our life is no different from the previous. We do nothing with our lives. When every aspect of our lives is the same, why should the food be different? I vowed I would eat the same stuff as long as I would do the same thing day after day..."
"And this change today? What's the reason?"
"For 7 years I was trying to complete a novel I was writing. Every other distraction was welcome, because it was damn tough to work in discipline. So I took the vow. That I had to publish my book before I would get rid of those 5 slices and aloo gobhi. Yesterday the novel got accepted. I had broken my routine. Did something with my life after all."
He shared his meal with us that day. It was the tastiest lunch I ever had.
"Please do show us the copy of the novel when it appears in print," we told him as we saw him off.
It was amazing, we had a writer amidst us and we never knew anything about him.
While driving back home, I saw his point of view.
The same boring road. The same routine.
Life was precious and ticking by.
I too began to think of my passion. Photography.
I would have to do something about it.
Next day, I too brought 5 slices of bread and aloo gobhi.
I was not alone. Three more colleagues had the same menu.
We didn’t laugh when we saw the coincidence.

Source: Speaking Tree



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Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Stranger

A while ago, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger…he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn’t seem to mind.
Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home… Not from our friends, any visitors or us. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn’t permit the use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished.
He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked… And NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents’ den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures. Categorically, he destroyed all the moral values, ethics, love, time for each other and other good qualities we had in our family…..whilst adding some unnoticeable quantity of positive stuff also, which any way we would have had even without him……
His name?…....
We just call him ‘TV.’



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Sunday, November 20, 2011

Fifth standard Exam answers

The following are all actual quotes from 11 year-olds' science exams:


"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration."

"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."




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Friday, November 18, 2011

Mike is dead

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive cupboard comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the cupboard off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the stairs but under his weight, the staircase breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken staircase poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen; tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking, ruining and spoiling my house."



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Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Fairy Tale

Short fairy tale:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said,
'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing
and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the
toilet seat up whenever he wanted.

THE END


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