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Saturday, December 24, 2011

Bob

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, and that it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a try. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"


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Thursday, December 22, 2011

The Unused Credit Card

Financial Services Support Department:
1. In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
2. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00.
3. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.
4. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament.
5. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled.
6. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
7. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
8. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
9. Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.
10. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail.
11. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
12. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her an 'old fashion' typewriter instead.

[ Author Unknown -- received from Chris Long



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Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Elevator Rules

There are un-written rules that everyone who rides elevators follow whether they know it or not. It's not something that anyone has placed into effect by law. . . . It's just the way things are. . . .
1. When you are waiting for an elevator and there are two sets, the one that is the greatest distance from you will open first.
2. While you are riding the elevator, it is not permissible to look anyone in the eyes. The proper place to stare is at the floor or at the numbers.
3. The person at the very back of the elevator will always be the one who needs off first.
4. If you are on the top floor of a 32 story building and needed to go the 1st floor, the elevator will stop 31 times before you reach the ground.
5. If you get off on the wrong floor and realize it the instant your foot hits the ground outside the elevator, it's much too embarrassing to admit you are wrong, so you stay outside the door and act like you know what you're doing then catch the next one and hope all the people you were with have gotten off.
6. When there are six elevator doors, the one you stand in front of will be the last to open.
7. When the elevator is the most full, one of two people will be on with you: an extremely sick man who coughs constantly and then gets off on the same floor you do, or a lady with a baby that screams through the entire ride.
8. Don't pass gas in an elevator even if you are all alone because when you do, the very next stop will have ten people waiting to get on. It's always best to wait until the elevator is full then no one knows whom to blame.
9. If you speak to a stranger in an elevator there will always be nervous laughter.
10. The friendliest person on the elevator that insists on talking to you will always have bad breath and body odor.
11. Elevators force us to be close to people that we would never choose to be around otherwise. If you want a cultural experience, spend a day riding elevators around town.
12. The first person to get on the elevator gets the command position next to the buttons so that they can feel important when people ask them to punch their floor for them.
13. While waiting on an elevator, there will always be one person to comment on how slow the elevator is and then push the up or down button over and over as if that will make it speed up.
14. Once inside the elevator that same person will repeatedly punch the button for their floor thinking that this also will speed up the elevator.
15. On top of the list of the most annoying elevator pet peeves is the parent who will allow their child to push the buttons and then smile at you after the kid has pushed all 26 buttons while you are on the first floor needing to get to the 25th floor. Then at every floor the kid will yell, "Is this where we get off?"
16. The floor that is labeled the 1st floor is not really the 1st floor but is in reality the basement. The 1st floor is actually labeled the 2nd floor.
17. If you are not in any hurry, there will always be an empty elevator just waiting with the doors open just for you by yourself.
18. In buildings where smoking is allowed, there will always be one person who insist on taking the last drag off their cigarette putting it out then waiting to exhale until the elevator door closes with you trapped inside.
19. If a child rides the elevator, they will have a balloon that just happens to be at your face level and there is no place to turn. Popping the balloon is a strong temptation.
20. I would rather ride the elevator with people than take the stairs alone!

[Author Unknown


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Sunday, December 18, 2011

What is in your mail

One day God was looking down at the earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check-it-out.

So, He called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on earth -- 95% is bad and only 5% is good.

God thought for a moment, and said maybe I had better send down a male angel. To get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes the earth was in decline -- 95% is bad and only 5% is good.

God said this is not good. So, God decided He would send a letter to the 5% that were good to encourage them -- a little something to help them keep going on the right path.

Do you know what that letter said?

Oh, you didn't get your letter either?!!!

You better improve then!

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