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Saturday, January 14, 2012

How to take care of your woman

In the world, one single rule applies to the men: Make the
Woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do
something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't
get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's
the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:


SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed (+1)

* You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

* You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)

* In the rain (+8)

* But return with Beer (-5)

* You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

* You pummel it with an iron rod (+10)

* It's her pet (-10)


SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

* You stay by her side during the entire party (0)

* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with
a buddy (-2)

* Named Tina (-4)

* Tina is a dancer (-10)


HER BIRTHDAY

* You take her out to dinner (0)

* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

* Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

* And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your
face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)


A NIGHT OUT

* You take her to a movie (+2)

* You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

* You take her to a movie you hate and she likes (+6)

* You take her to a movie you like (-2)

* It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)

* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)


YOUR PHYSIQUE

* You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

* You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid
of it (+10)

* You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

* You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)


ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

* She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no
matter WHAT.]

* You hesitate in responding (-10)

* You reply, "Where?" (-35)

* Any other response (-20)


COMMUNICATION

* When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned _____expression (0)

* You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

* You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the
TV (+500)

* She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)


[ Author Unknown -- from 'Buffalos Chips'




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Thursday, January 12, 2012

I wish I was a child again

1. Decisions were made by saying "eeny-meeny-miney-mo”.
2. "Race issue," meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
3. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly”.
4. Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
5. It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
6. Being old referred to anyone over 20.
7. It was magic when Dad would "remove" his thumb.
8. It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event.
9. Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
10. Nobody was prettier than Mom.
11. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
12. No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
13. "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
14. Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down would cause giggles.
15. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
16. War was a card game.
17. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
18. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
19. Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.


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Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Men

Men Bashing

1. Why are men such dogs?
I resent that! Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and obedient...

2. Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

3. Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

4. Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

5. Why can't men just say "I love you?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

6. Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?


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Sunday, January 8, 2012

Why should I exercise?

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ..yet lives for 450 years.

AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE!


Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling Single again.


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