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Friday, December 30, 2011

Scottish lad and lass

Scottish Lad and Lass

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

And he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

The Birth order of children

Your Clothes:
• 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your Gynaecologist confirms your pregnancy.
• 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
• 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
• 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
• 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
• 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette:
• 1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
• 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
• 3rd baby: Boys can wear same dress, can't they?
Worries:
• 1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
• 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when his/her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
• 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Pacifier:
• 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
• 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
• 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering:
• 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
• 2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
• 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Going Out:
• 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
• 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
• 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the baby sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home:
• 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
• 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
• 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins:
• 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
• 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
• 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!
Pass this on to everyone you know who has children... or everyone who
KNOWS someone who has had children... (The older the mother, the funnier this is!)

GRANDCHILDREN: ...God's reward for allowing your children to live.

[ Author Unknown -- from Lorraine, via 'LABLaughs'


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Monday, December 26, 2011

Very Complicated

Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes -- NOT rattlesnakes. Read on....

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife brought them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. A little green grass snake was hibernating in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband, having just finished his shower, ran into the living room in his underwear to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came into the room and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, loaded him on a stretcher, and started carrying him out.

Just then the snake came out from under the sofa. One Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher just as they started down the stairs; this caused the husband to fall down the stairs, breaking his leg, so he ended up in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake, so she called on a neighbor, who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

About then the neighbor's wife, who had just returned from grocery shopping came over, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and badly lacerating his scalp.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him. Seeing his scalp injury, and not having any alcohol, she went to the kitchen, and poured whiskey over a dish towel. Then she returned to pat the bleeding scalp wound on the neighbor man's head, with the whisky soaked dish towel.

The neighbors, hearing all the commotion, had called the police. When the police saw the unconscious man, and smelled the whiskey, they assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all. The first women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called another ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife to hospital.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. It fell over, which caused the lamp to shatter, and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames with a throw rug, but tripped and fell through the window into the yard which startled the family dog, who jumped up and ran out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid hitting the dog and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile the curtain fire had spread to the walls and the entire house was ablaze.

Neighbors now called the fire department. The fire fighters arrived, and while trying to work around some trees got the ladder-truck extension ladder caught on some overhead wires, knocking out electricity and disconnecting telephone service in a ten city block area.

Time passed... both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police got a new patrol car, and all was right with the world....

About a year later the same couple was watching TV. The weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night?

Without saying a word, the wife walked into the bedroom.... and went to sleep.


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