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Showing posts with label Time pass. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Time pass. Show all posts

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Time Pass item

This is really strange... try it!

GET A CALCULATOR.

1. Key into the calculator the first 3 digits of your phone number (the exchange, not the area code).

2. Multiply by 80

3. Add 1

4. Multiply by 250

5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again

7. Subtract 250

8. Lastly, divide by 2

Is this your phone number?



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Tuesday, August 30, 2011

25th Marriage Anniversary




Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.

They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years.

Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".

Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said:

"We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage.

Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses.

My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.

Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, "This is your first time".

She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again.

This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued.

When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?" ..

She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"."

Husband:"That's it. We are happy ever after."


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Monday, August 29, 2011

Old age


Old age

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -


Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.


This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the post man earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, And notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I don't remember whom the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!


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Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Ant and the Grasshopper


The Ant and the Grasshopper [Old story - New version]

Old Story:
The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs dances plays the summer away.
Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

New Version:
The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The Grasshopper thinks the Ant’s a fool and laughs dances plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant’s house.
Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter.
Mayawati states this as “injustice” done on Minorities.
Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticize the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.
The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the Grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance).
Opposition MPs stage a walkout. Left parties call for ‘Bengal Bandh’ in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.
CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and Grasshoppers.
Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the ‘Gharib Grasshopper Rath’.
Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the “Prevention of Atrocities Against Grasshoppers Act” [PAAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter.
Arjun Singh makes ‘Special Reservation’ for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions in Government Services.
The Ant is fined for failing to comply with PAAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, its home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.
Arundhati Roy calls it ‘A Triumph of Justice’.
Lalu calls it ‘Socialistic Justice’.
CPM calls it the ”Revolutionary Resurgence of the Downtrodden’
Koffi Annan invites the Grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.
Many years later...
The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley,
100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India,
..AND
As a result of losing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the grasshoppers, India is still a developing country...!! ! :) :) :)



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Friday, August 26, 2011

Husband and wife


Husband : What is today's Dinner Menu?

Wife: Jo aap kaho


Husband: Pulao bana lo

Wife: Abhi kal hi to khaye the
Husband: To sabji roti bana lo

Wife: Bacche nahi khayenge
Husband: To chhole puri bana lo

Wife: Mujhe heavy heavy lagta hai
Husband: Eggs bhurji bana lo

Wife: Aaj guruvaar hai
Husband: Paraanthe?

Wife: Raat ko paraanthe kaun khata hai??
Husband: Hotel se mangwa lete hain change ho jaayega

Wife: Roz roz hotel ka nahi khana chahiye
Husband: Kadhi chawal?

Wife: Dahi nahi hai
Husband: Idly sambar?

Wife: Usme time lagega.pehle bolna chahiye tha na!!
Husband: Maggi hi bana lo, usme time nahi lagega

Wife: Woh koi meal thodi hai? Pet nahi bharta
Husband: Phir ab kya banaogi?

Wife: Wo jo aap kaho






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