Fifth standard Exam answers

The following are all actual quotes from 11 year-olds' science exams:


"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration."

"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

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Mike is dead

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive cupboard comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the cupboard off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the stairs but under his weight, the staircase breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken staircase poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen; tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking, ruining and spoiling my house."

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Fairy Tale

Short fairy tale:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said,
'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing
and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the
toilet seat up whenever he wanted.

THE END

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Logic

Abbas, a fresh computer graduate from a world class university goes for an interview in a Software company.
The interviewer is Waleed, a grubby old man. And the first question he asks Abbas, is “Are you good at logic?”.
“Of course” replies Abbas.
“Let me test you” replies Waleed.
“Two men come down a chimney. One comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?
Abbas stares at Waleed. “Is that a test in Logic?”
Waleed nods.
“The one with the dirty face washes his face”, He answers wearily.
“Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So; the one with the clean face washes his face.”
“Hmm. I never thought of that” says Abbas. “Give me another test”
Waleed again holds up two fingers “Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?
“We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face”
“Wrong. Each one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So; the one with the clean face washes his face. When the one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes his face”
“I didn’t think of that!” says Abbas. ” It’s shocking to me that I could make an error in logic. Test me again!.”
Waleed holds up two fingers “Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?
“Each one washes his face”
“Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with clean face sees that the one with the dirty face doesn’t wash his face, he also doesn’t wash his face so neither one washes his face”.
Abbas is desperate. “I am qualified for this job. Please give me one more test”
He groans when Waleed lifts his two fingers”,Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?
“Neither one washes his face”
“Wrong. Do you now see, Abbas, why programming knowledge is an insufficient for this job? Tell me, how is it possible for two men to come down the same chimney, and for one to come out with a clean face and the other with a dirty face? Don’t you see?

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Is it worth?

As the dream of almost every parent, ‘Sameer’ acquired a degree in Software Engineer and joined a company based in USA, the land of braves and opportunity. When he arrived in USA, it was as if a dream had come true for him.
Here at last he was in a place where he always wanted to be. He decided that he would be staying in this country for about Five years in which time he would earn enough money to settle down in India.
His father was a government employee and after his retirement, the only asset he could acquire was a decent one bedroom flat.
He wanted to do something more than him. But sooner he started feeling homesickness and lonely as the time passed. After 2 years, he decided to get married. Told his parents that he has only 10 days of holidays and everything must be done within these 10 days. Was jubilant and was actually enjoying hopping for gifts for all his friends back home. If he misses anyone then there will be talks. After reaching home he did spent one week going through all the photographs of girls and as the time was getting shorter he was forced to select one candidate.
In-laws told him, to his surprise, that he would have to get married in 2-3 days only, as he will not get anymore holidays in near future to come back to the country again. After the marriage, it was time to return to USA, after giving some money to his parents and telling the neighbors to look after them, he returned to USA.
His wife enjoyed this country for about two months and then she started feeling lonely. The frequency of calling his home country increased twice in a week, sometimes 3 times a week. His savings started diminishing. After two more years they started to have kids. Two lovely kids, a boy and a girl, were gifted to them by the Almighty. Every time he spoke to his parents, they asked him to come to India so that they can see their grand-children.
Every year they decided to visit their country. But part work part monetary conditions prevented it. Years went by and visiting their own home was a distant dream. Then suddenly one day he got a message that his parents were seriously sick. He tried his hard but he couldn’t get any holidays and thus could not visit his parents. The next message he got was his parents had passed away and as there was no one to do the last rights, the society members had done whatever they could do. He was extremely depressed. His parents had passed away without seeing their grand children — aah …!
After couple more years passed away, much to his children’s dislike and his wife’s joy they returned to their country to settle down. He started to look for a suitable property, but to his dismay his savings were short and the property prices had gone up during all these years. He had to return to the USA.
His wife refused to come back with him and his children refused to stay in their father’s home country. His 2 children and he returned back to USA after promising his wife that he would be coming back for good after two years.
Time passed by, his daughter decided to get married to a citizen in USA and his son was happy living in USA only. He decided that had enough now and will wound-up everything and will return to his own country. He had just enough money to buy a decent 02 bedroom flat in a well-developed locality.
Now he is 60 years old and the only time he goes out of the flat is for the routine visit to the nearby temple. His faithful wife has also left him and gone to the holy abode.
Sometimes he wondered was it worth all this? His father, even after staying in their home country, had a house to his name and he too has the same as of now, nothing more than that.
He lost his parents and children for just ONE EXTRA BEDROOM.
Looking out from the window he sees a lot of children dancing. This damned cable TV has spoiled the new generation and the children are losing their values and culture because of it. He gets occasional cards from his children asking if he is all right.
Now perhaps after he will die, it will be the neighbors again who will be performing his last rights, God Bless them! But the question still remains the same – ‘was all this worth just for an extra bedroom flat finally?’
He is still searching for an answer…………….!!!!
Special thanks to Pawan Kumar for this story!

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